Waiting

Here I sit.  Waiting for scan results.  It’s not much fun.  Somedays I handle it better than others.  I keep trying to look inward and make a guess as to what’s going on in my body.  Has it spread?  Gotten better, stayed the same?  All the while trying to live a normal life and keep things in perspective.  I seem to live out my life in 30 day increments now.  If my markers are looking good I let out a sigh of relief and push things down for another 30 days until the next doctor’s appointment and treatment.  It’s a different way to live.  I’ve been making travel plans, but my markers are going up and I start to wonder how I’m going to feel in 2 or 3 months.  I don’t know for certain.  I bought travel insurance for the first time.  Seemed like a prudent thing to do.  Yep, for me having cancer is like doing Tree Pose.  Some days my balance is better then others.  When I’m wobbly I have to just accept it and feel what there is to feel.  Emotions are ok.  There are no good or bad ones.  I can be scared, angry, sad, and irritated and it’s all right.  There is no “right way” to do cancer.  There is only “my way” and I can’t get it wrong.  When I’m ready, I’ll push myself up off the floor and choose to be grateful for the little things.  I’ll try balancing again and it may be easier, it may not.  But I’ll accept myself where I am.Pet Scan

 

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