I last did IV chemo in January. I was getting tired. Tired in a way only someone on chemo gets. Worse even than those first few months of living with a new baby or soft puppy. My body needed a break and so did my mind. So, my onc and I talked and agreed I’d take a short hiatus. I had places to go and people to see. And it has been wonderful, truly wonderful and sad all at the same time. Wonderful because I soaked up the sun and buried my toes in the sand with people I loved. Wonderful because after a month I realized I could do two or three errands in a row instead of hoping I could get through 1 short errand. Fantastic, because I started enjoying my independence again, driving myself places, staying up late enough to see the stars and the moon. But sad too, sad because it highlighted how fatigued and worn out I really was feeling. Sad because even after two months I still wasn’t feeling “normal” whatever that is. I went to pull all the greens out of the pots and found myself sitting down and crying after 3o minutes. Nope, still can’t do that all at once. I need to plan for short runs of physical activity. Even with going to the gym and trying to keep up my endurance and strength. It’s one of the hard parts about stage IV cancer. There is no end. There is no real “getting better” and going back to “normal”. It’s a constant cycle of scan, treat, repeat and sometimes grief sneaks in. Sadness at the things you were once able to do and can’t. Sadness at the loss of a job, sadness at the loss of strength and stamina.
The wonderful vacay is about to end. It’s been sweet while I had it. Long enough to grow back some eyebrows and eyelashes and a bit of hair. Do not underestimate the importance of eyebrows and eyelashes! Love those two things! Monday will be a day of scans, bone scan, and CT scan of my abdomen and chest. Once again hunting down those cancer cells. Lobular cancer is a sneaky thing. Instead of growing in clumps it’s sends long branches out searching for organs and other essential body parts. It’s hard to find on scans sometimes. I have had more pain and that lets me know things are happening somewhere. My tumor markers are going up, but not horribly, considering I’ve been on a break. I’m glad I did it. For me, this is about balancing quality of life with treatment. Tuesday I’ll check in with The Wizard and knowing him, I’ll be back in my blue chair that very day. Still not sure which chemo we’ll try this time. We’ll wait to see if I’ve had significant progression and what that looks like. I’ll let you know. I’ve also got more to say on my weekend at the LBBC conference and all the other things I signed up for during my respite.