Catching Up

I’ve been hiding. There were so many deaths from MBC of people I cared about. I needed to take a break. But, it’s time to catch everyone up. Last summer the CMF treatments did cause problems with my heart, so as many of you know I started “the Red Devil”, adriamycin. The good news is it really worked! The bad news is, it has affected my heart. It’s just minimal, but enough to put me on 3 heart meds. That’s taken a little bit of adjustment. When I started adriamycin my tumor makers where at an all time high. Almost 400, however the adriamycin knocked them down to 69! There is a lifetime max of how much of this drug I can have because of the cardio toxicity it can cause. I was almost at the max when we stopped treatment in September. Since I’d had such great results from on it we gave my body a break and I stopped IV treatments for a few months. Well, break time is over.

I was not surprised when I saw the doctor last week that my markers were up. They’d jumped from 70 to 124. I’d been having quit a bit more pain. We scheduled a PET last Thursday, and I started abraxane yesterday. I’ve been on this before. It was still working on my cancer when we stopped it two years ago. Here’s hoping it will do the trick again. Bad news is that hair loss number 4 is coming up. This stuff makes me a cueball. Eyelashes and brows will go too.

The PET scan confirmed that I’d had progression and the cancer is growing. It also showed a possible spread to my organs. There was some movement artifact in the films and this made it hard for the radiologist to see if the spot was in my liver, or the very bottom of my right lung. There is a slim possibility that this is not cancer and it’s just artifact looking like cancer. We’ll be scheduling a new scan in a few weeks to confirm. Even if I do have progression to my liver we’d still continue with the same treatment protocol.

I won’t lie, This is getting hard. I was surprised at how much I struggled with my emotions when I was on my chemo break. I had so much to be grateful for and, I was but, I couldn’t stop wondering when it was going to come tumbling down.

This is a hard time of year for many people. It’s been hard for me. Looking forward to Christmas and the holidays is wonderful. It’s the putting stuff away that’s tough. I can’t stop myself from wondering if I’ll be here next year. I obsess over how detailed of directions I should leave on what goes where. Will they know where to hang the Mistletoe Santa? Will they remember what I’ve shared about the special ornaments and the history they tell? If I am here, how sick will I be? If I can’t flame the house down with the Beef Wellington sauce who will? Traditions are important. They tell family stories and create family identity which is an important part of strong family units.

Some times you have to search long and hard for that blade of green grass when you’re laying in the mud.

6 thoughts on “Catching Up

  1. Sending love and peace. You are such an inspiration to me and to so many. You always will be, now, next Christmas time and going forward from there, no matter what it looks like. Grace and emotional honesty shine in every post and conversation. Thank you.

  2. Sorry you are struggling, hoping those ‘artifacts’ aren’t cancer after all. I have lung ‘artifacts’, too and my scans Tuesday will determine if my relatively easy days with Ibrance are over. Controlling my home after I am gone is one of my follies… the last Christmas/last New Years/last birthday stuff-is painful; so many unknowns… family denies the possibility. You have been a wonderful LBBC mentor. Please never underestimate your huge accomplishments… yes, other mBC ers understand. HUGS.

  3. You share such stark realities of this dreaded illness….I think of my mother’s last Christmas and I can see the unknown in your eyes. May you find joy in all the days of 2018. Peace love and blessings my friend.

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